A bad day.

Today’s a bad day.

I can’t help but feel like everything I want is just out of reach. I knelt on the floor to look in a box, but instead found myself sobbing in my own arms. I can’t imagine getting up, it’s as if gravity is winning over my mind. Mentally, I don’t feel well enough to fight it; my soul is damaged by hurt and pain. How can I try to get up when even trying entails pushing against a ceiling that won’t budge?

What is wrong with me. It’s like I am trying to get this thing out of my head, this thing that is killing me, this thing called pain.

Today’s a bad day.

I lay my head back on the floor with a Bible weighted against my chest, trying to find a moment of encouragement, but all I feel are questions that He knows I cannot answer. Who is even asking me? All I need is one moment of clarity. The kind of clarity that makes you feel better, not worse; that’s all I’m asking for, please. Instead, I feel defeated every step of the way.

I can’t get the tears to stop soaking my face and I keep trying because if they get in my hair it’s gonna make my hair wet. I don’t want one more annoyance right now.

Today’s a bad day.

I’m supposed to be getting up, I need to get ready for my night. If I don’t go out I’m going to regret it, but for some reason I still can’t pick myself up. The tears seem to flow harder every time that I try. My hair is definitely wet.

I’m trying to text people for help, but no one is around. Aren’t I supposed to be having a good day? I’m trying to keep the happy times I’ve just had in mind but somehow that only makes me cry harder because I want those happy times to stay.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I want to leave the country every day. I want to be somewhere that my pain is not, but the problem is that I can never outrun myself. It’s sad that I even want to do that. If it’s internal I should be able to fix it, right? I should be able to just tell it to shut up and it should leave me alone because it’s my own pain, right? I should be able to fix it.. why won’t you just stop torturing me.. Pain, please go away.

Today’s a bad, bad day. I could never wish it on anyone.

Makari

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3 responses

  1. Hello. I’m sorry you had a bad day. I have bad days too, and there are times I don’t know what to do. You may not know me, and that’s okay. The only thing I am letting you know is that there are some people in this world who understands you. You will get through this. I believe in you. God willing you will have a restful night. Thank you for reading this. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 7, 2019 at 8:39 pm

  2. makariasriel

    Thank you sir.

    Like

    March 5, 2019 at 9:52 am

  3. Instead of asking what is wrong with you, maybe a better question is “what happened to you?”

    Like

    March 9, 2019 at 8:03 am

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