Posts tagged “truth

I’m trying here.

I keep trying to tell myself that today is a new day. That yesterday doesn’t have to repeat itself today. The frustration I have is when it does. Yesterday’s emotions keep repeating in today’s world, and my heart gets heavier every time it happens. I’m at the point of my body failing itself and failing me.

I feel the weight pulling me down every second of the day, and you are telling me to look at the positivity in life?

How the hell am I supposed to feel happy on the outside when my lungs feel the pressure of a thousand hands squeezing them shut? I can barely breathe every single day, and you tell me to smile?

How can you do that to me. How can you expect me to radiate something that I can’t even find within myself?

How can you tell me that this will get better when the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with is death?

Death is less hard to deal with than living with the pain I am feeling. And I know about death… There comes a point when death seems almost easy to deal with (it’s not), but it’s living that becomes hard. Until you lose the will to live, you will never understand why your “solutions” make me want to punch you in the face with no regrets.

I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to leave this body and get rid of pain forever. I’m not afraid of death. The thing that scares me is knowing I do not want to take death for myself and that this pain may last for my lifetime. The thing that scares me is losing more of who I am to the ideas of other men’s opinions, changing me in every vulnerable moment. The thing that scares me is waking up to a pain worse than that of when I fell asleep. The thing that scares me is losing my heart to the very irons of the world I want to live in. The thing that scares me… is the fear of what might happen.

I ache with a pain that brings tears to my unknowing eyes, only seeing but never understanding, I’m trying I’m trying.. I’ve given this all that I have, I’ve given this every molecule of energy in my possession, this is beyond me.

It doesn’t make sense.. to be 24 and feel like I’ve lost the fight. To be young and not want to be alive. To be watched and not feel seen. To be angry when people only want my happiness. To want happiness and not find it anywhere.

It doesn’t make sense to believe in a god I don’t see or to fall in love with someone who won’t love me back, or to feel the presence of pain looming without a cause.

It doesn’t make sense.

I keep trying to make today a new day, but it seems to keep blending with yesterday.

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A bad day.

Today’s a bad day.

I can’t help but feel like everything I want is just out of reach. I knelt on the floor to look in a box, but instead found myself sobbing in my own arms. I can’t imagine getting up, it’s as if gravity is winning over my mind. Mentally, I don’t feel well enough to fight it; my soul is damaged by hurt and pain. How can I try to get up when even trying entails pushing against a ceiling that won’t budge?

What is wrong with me. It’s like I am trying to get this thing out of my head, this thing that is killing me, this thing called pain.

Today’s a bad day.

I lay my head back on the floor with a Bible weighted against my chest, trying to find a moment of encouragement, but all I feel are questions that He knows I cannot answer. Who is even asking me? All I need is one moment of clarity. The kind of clarity that makes you feel better, not worse; that’s all I’m asking for, please. Instead, I feel defeated every step of the way.

I can’t get the tears to stop soaking my face and I keep trying because if they get in my hair it’s gonna make my hair wet. I don’t want one more annoyance right now.

Today’s a bad day.

I’m supposed to be getting up, I need to get ready for my night. If I don’t go out I’m going to regret it, but for some reason I still can’t pick myself up. The tears seem to flow harder every time that I try. My hair is definitely wet.

I’m trying to text people for help, but no one is around. Aren’t I supposed to be having a good day? I’m trying to keep the happy times I’ve just had in mind but somehow that only makes me cry harder because I want those happy times to stay.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I want to leave the country every day. I want to be somewhere that my pain is not, but the problem is that I can never outrun myself. It’s sad that I even want to do that. If it’s internal I should be able to fix it, right? I should be able to just tell it to shut up and it should leave me alone because it’s my own pain, right? I should be able to fix it.. why won’t you just stop torturing me.. Pain, please go away.

Today’s a bad, bad day. I could never wish it on anyone.

Makari


I’m more than a mess.

I feel like I’m falling apart. The words I want to scream are, “Somebody help me!”

Why is life so hard? Why do I feel like I can’t get through one traumatic experience before another one starts? I can’t keep going on like this; feeling this pain. When will I get better? I feel cracked in a thousand pieces and nothing relives the pain, it only temporarily holds the cracks together but not even long enough for me to take a deep breath before the change in my lungs causes them to be reopened. Ahhhhhhhhh. I feel a billion needles in my heart, not enough to kill me but enough to cause a panic through my body that slumps me to my knees. Thank god I’m not in public. The pain becomes too much for me sometimes, and the fear of falling on my face is more real than you can imagine. I often wonder if my arms will even catch me when I crumble.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way, there have to be more people like me. I know they’re out there and I write this to you.

I want you to know that I am with you in your pain. That I feel every punch that you feel and every knife that you swallow. I can tell you that it gets better and that it’s worth it, but you know as much as I do and you know how bad those words hurt, so I won’t say it again. I don’t want you to die from the same pain I feel, because I’m pushing through it every day. I might not have any answers or solutions but what I do have is my life. With it, I plan to be the best friend that I can be and the best person in the darkest days. If it were easy, I would write you a handbook. Instead, I am writing you this; that I am still in process and I don’t know how it will turn out. There are days that keeping a smile on my face feels impossible.

The good news is… well I don’t know yet, but I’m gonna find it if there is something. I think that’s what keeps me walking through this; I have to know that if there is an upside to this, I will find it.

I know there is positive to everything and I will stand by my motto that everything happens for a reason. I do not doubt that my sorrow has a purpose, but sometimes I just wish I could be the dumbest person in the world and not have to go through any of this. It feels like the more you know, the more pain there is.

When you feel like there are more days than not that you are stuck in your pain, I want you to remember this:

  1. You still have your life. 
  2. You’ve got so much to live for (and I’m telling this to myself as much as you), you can’t give up yet. 
  3. Vulnerability is a strong suit, not a weakness. 

Reach out. People want to be there for you if you let them (and if they won’t, screw them, I will.)

You don’t have to ever feel alone in your pain, even when that’s the only thing you do feel.

Stay strong.

Makari Asriel


How to make 2019 your breakthrough year.

Hi everybody, welcome back to my blog.

Today I want to talk to you about how 2019 can be your year of breakthrough for the things you’ve been wanting to see happen in your life.

Let’s start off by getting a sheet of paper and titling it, “First Steps to Breakthrough.” Now, think for a moment of one of the things that you want to see breakthrough in this year, and write that in a bulletpoint on the left of the page. As you think about that thing, can you imagine what the first step to getting there might look like? When you think of it, write that on the left side of the page like this example:

  • Acting career.                            First Step:  Write out resume.

Below this, write out your second, third and forth steps in this process.

Second Step: Find a friend to photograph and video tape.

Third Step: Put together video reel.

Forth Step: Research talent managers and agencies.

Let’s call this process, “Four Steps to Starting Success.” Since breakthrough is a success no matter what type of breakthrough it is. You don’t need to continue on with steps 5-800 because starting really is the hardest part. Once you have the first four steps down, you should be able from there to continue on with the process and build your castle of breakthrough. Once you can see the foundation for your goals, the rest starts being built in your imagination and possibilities you never thought of start coming to your mind. Sometimes when we create a long list of things we have to do, we easily get stressed out over the entirety of it and lose our motivation for even beginning the first step. Let’s not overwhelm our brains and cause anxiety over something that we can easily do given the right steps and the right headspace.

Having the right headspace for beginning 2019 in a way that has you believing that everything is possible (heck, you can even change genders now) is very important. Learning to let the anxiety and previous hardships melt to the foreground while your main focus becomes clear and precise, is not an easy thing to do! Eventually it becomes habitual, but to start off without knowing how to separate your feelings from your present moment of life can feel overwhelming and hard to process how you will ever start what you’ve been dying inside to do.

To learn more about shifting your perspective for a clear mind, I suggest you start by paying attention to your thought process. What you think about often becomes your reality. It’s hard to be upset all the time when your thought life is consistently telling you that things are okay and that you are not the things that happen to you. Once you start to grasp hold of how your mind thinks towards the information it’s been given, shifting that process to allow for a clearer mind becomes easier.

As you finish the steps to each of your goals, you get to cross off the ones you’ve completed! What a victory that is, to see yourself on your way to getting the desires of your heart fulfilled this year. There’s nothing hard about completing one step, and after that, one more, and one more and so on. The part that gets us all caught up about the goals that we have is thinking of doing all the steps at once. When we break down the beginning of that whole process, it doesn’t seem very difficult at all.

Welcome to the beginning of completing your goals for the rest of your life.

Makari Asriel

 


From dark to light: vulnerability

The title for this post is meant for anything that is hidden and isn’t the best part of you, brought to the light and dealt with. It doesn’t define you, it also doesn’t kill you because of the shame of it. My goal as you read this, is for you to discover for yourself that how you choose to live your life will change everything about you and the people you influence.

I wish I could explain to you just how important it is to live life right. But the truth is, I can’t explain it to you. Because we all learn differently and we all believe different things. Your right is different than mine, and if you think about it, what really is right? So I would just like to tell you about some of my process and why it’s been important for me to choose the best possible outcome of my circumstances.

I’ve done the wrong things. I’ve lived in that place, where the love I give comes from anger, and the peace I carry comes with discomfort. In that place, the choices I make hurt people, and the life I choose hurts me.When I’m not okay with my life, and when I have no vision for my future, everything I do comes with pain. And I end up ripping people’s lives apart. Trust me, it does make me feel “powerful” and in “control” and in a sick twisted way, it “satisfies” me. (I put these words in quotes because it’s how I feel in the moment, not how it actually makes me feel, because in reality it is going against my identity.)

Because of how I choose to live my life now, my challenge in those seasons isn’t to love people really well, or to believe that God still has a plan. My challenge is to create a safe place where I can just be, without feeling like my life is falling apart all around me. In those hard times, I know that what I am feeling won’t last forever. I know it is only a season, and my conscience is set on discovering the best way to deal with the struggle in front of me. I think one of the things that we have to remember in these times is “who do I want to be when I come out of this?” and then make that the end goal.

The things that happen in your heart are on display for everyone you encounter. One of the goals for my life is to always go through process in the best way possible. I’ve been in situations that tore me up to the point of hysteria. Everything I thought I knew came crumbling around me, and there is not much worse then feeling like your life is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do about it. Because I’ve had several of these situations in my life, I think it’s important for me to share some tips of how I choose to overcome in the midst of my circumstances.

1, with love. You have to understand that if you saw your best friend going through what you are dealing with, you would have so much grace for that person. Show that grace to yourself and understand that you need to love yourself through it in the same way you would want to love them.

2. with a heart of perseverance. You will win in the end, but only of you choose to. If you can live knowing that one day you will see the finish line, you will be able to persevere through anything. You’re not allowed to let yourself give up. Especially with everything you have already faced and overcome. You will win.

3. choosing to know in your heart that you are strongest person you know. Every night in these seasons I felt like I was going to die. And every day that went by was another day that I chose not to give up. When you are able to look back a week later, a month later, a year later, and see that even in the shittiest time of your life, you still lived a life worthy of love and acceptance, you will see how strong you truly are.

Always, Makarios