I’m trying here.
I keep trying to tell myself that today is a new day. That yesterday doesn’t have to repeat itself today. The frustration I have is when it does. Yesterday’s emotions keep repeating in today’s world, and my heart gets heavier every time it happens. I’m at the point of my body failing itself and failing me.
I feel the weight pulling me down every second of the day, and you are telling me to look at the positivity in life?
How the hell am I supposed to feel happy on the outside when my lungs feel the pressure of a thousand hands squeezing them shut? I can barely breathe every single day, and you tell me to smile?
How can you do that to me. How can you expect me to radiate something that I can’t even find within myself?
How can you tell me that this will get better when the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with is death?
Death is less hard to deal with than living with the pain I am feeling. And I know about death… There comes a point when death seems almost easy to deal with (it’s not), but it’s living that becomes hard. Until you lose the will to live, you will never understand why your “solutions” make me want to punch you in the face with no regrets.
I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to leave this body and get rid of pain forever. I’m not afraid of death. The thing that scares me is knowing I do not want to take death for myself and that this pain may last for my lifetime. The thing that scares me is losing more of who I am to the ideas of other men’s opinions, changing me in every vulnerable moment. The thing that scares me is waking up to a pain worse than that of when I fell asleep. The thing that scares me is losing my heart to the very irons of the world I want to live in. The thing that scares me… is the fear of what might happen.
I ache with a pain that brings tears to my unknowing eyes, only seeing but never understanding, I’m trying I’m trying.. I’ve given this all that I have, I’ve given this every molecule of energy in my possession, this is beyond me.
It doesn’t make sense.. to be 24 and feel like I’ve lost the fight. To be young and not want to be alive. To be watched and not feel seen. To be angry when people only want my happiness. To want happiness and not find it anywhere.
It doesn’t make sense to believe in a god I don’t see or to fall in love with someone who won’t love me back, or to feel the presence of pain looming without a cause.
It doesn’t make sense.
I keep trying to make today a new day, but it seems to keep blending with yesterday.
February 18, 2019 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: anxiety, death, Depression, emo, expectancy, failing, frustration, giving up, grief, heartache, I'm trying, journey, Life, new day, pain, struggle, suicidal, trials, truth, vulnerability | 1 Comment