Posts tagged “Depression

Transparent and vulnerable.

The moment things started going downhill for me, I knew it was happening. I knew how to stop it, and I knew how much it would hurt me.

Doing the right thing, taking the right actions, and letting the wrong arrows of other peoples choices pierce through your heart in order to make the better choice rarely feels like it’s worth it until later.

I made a choice. I chose to do the right thing for the situation I was put in, but I also made a very active choice not to do the right thing for myself. I was tired of taking care of myself, and always looking at the bright side. I was tired of being nice to everyone else and receiving the shit end of the stick in return. I made an active choice to not go through the right process of grieving and pain and to let myself be bitter instead, because it felt better. All I knew that I wanted was temporary ease. I hadn’t felt like I had been able to be angry at God or people or circumstances previously because I always knew it wouldn’t be the right thing to do, and because I have always wanted to do the right thing for the longterm. This time, I was taking anger at full force. You fuck with me, you lose me and I didn’t care at all.

It’s amazing how fast anger can take hold of your thoughts, your lifestyle, your being. I felt pain at every turn. I saw words twist from helpful to detrimental in split seconds as they soar from one person’s mouth into my ears. I’ve never known myself to be as cruel as I felt or as careless as I was. I didn’t care about anyone else, and why would I? No one stood up for my character when I was being torn apart and for that I was angry. I didn’t want to care.

Anger puts this film over your eyes that causes every wonderful thing to look harmful. It changes every friend into a foe, and every light into fire. No one is safe.

If only I had chose to grieve, chose to deal with my anger, chose to silence my bitter thoughts. Had I, I wouldn’t have gotten to the point of contemplating death every moment of every day. I became defeated.

If you saw me, you would know. I could not stop the tears and I could not stop the pain; all I wanted was for it to end. I understand depression. I understand suicide. I understand pain.

There was a time I would have asked of a depressed friend to live, even only if it was for me. I now know I can never ask that of anybody. I cannot ask for someone to endure pain for my comfort, or live through terror for the “someday” that might come and be peaceful. I cannot ask for life of somebody else, I can only enter their space and give them everything I have to give. It’s crucial.

Depression is a hand, holding, crushing, dragging you into the depths of the earth, into the pit of despair, with no branches strong enough to break your fall and no comfort long enough to take a deep breath. Depression is a weight of a hundred horses treading on top of the canopy of blankets you try to hide under just to find a moment where your mind can be silent. Depression is… a venomous snake wrapped so tightly around your body you cannot breathe but with every pulse of your heartbeat you know it’s the end… Depression… is an ocean of breathtaking pain.

I see the world with that pain in my eyes, much in the same way I used to see it with beauty.

If you know how I feel then you know what I mean. Good things that happen don’t make up for what we see behind the wall we’re so desperately trying to build to keep the horde of pain and anger at bay. It’s terrifying to watch that wall being broken apart and running out of the strength to keep building. It’s almost as if you drop that wall and run as fast as you can to add distance before turning around and building again. It’s coming and you see it; you feel it… and then you make one mistake and it swarms around you from all sides; all you have left is a little tent to cry in.

If you know then you know. And if you don’t, now you do.

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I’m trying here.

I keep trying to tell myself that today is a new day. That yesterday doesn’t have to repeat itself today. The frustration I have is when it does. Yesterday’s emotions keep repeating in today’s world, and my heart gets heavier every time it happens. I’m at the point of my body failing itself and failing me.

I feel the weight pulling me down every second of the day, and you are telling me to look at the positivity in life?

How the hell am I supposed to feel happy on the outside when my lungs feel the pressure of a thousand hands squeezing them shut? I can barely breathe every single day, and you tell me to smile?

How can you do that to me. How can you expect me to radiate something that I can’t even find within myself?

How can you tell me that this will get better when the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with is death?

Death is less hard to deal with than living with the pain I am feeling. And I know about death… There comes a point when death seems almost easy to deal with (it’s not), but it’s living that becomes hard. Until you lose the will to live, you will never understand why your “solutions” make me want to punch you in the face with no regrets.

I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to leave this body and get rid of pain forever. I’m not afraid of death. The thing that scares me is knowing I do not want to take death for myself and that this pain may last for my lifetime. The thing that scares me is losing more of who I am to the ideas of other men’s opinions, changing me in every vulnerable moment. The thing that scares me is waking up to a pain worse than that of when I fell asleep. The thing that scares me is losing my heart to the very irons of the world I want to live in. The thing that scares me… is the fear of what might happen.

I ache with a pain that brings tears to my unknowing eyes, only seeing but never understanding, I’m trying I’m trying.. I’ve given this all that I have, I’ve given this every molecule of energy in my possession, this is beyond me.

It doesn’t make sense.. to be 24 and feel like I’ve lost the fight. To be young and not want to be alive. To be watched and not feel seen. To be angry when people only want my happiness. To want happiness and not find it anywhere.

It doesn’t make sense to believe in a god I don’t see or to fall in love with someone who won’t love me back, or to feel the presence of pain looming without a cause.

It doesn’t make sense.

I keep trying to make today a new day, but it seems to keep blending with yesterday.