Being transparent.

The moment things started going downhill for me, I knew it was happening. I knew how to stop it, and I knew how much it would hurt me.

Doing the right thing, taking the right actions, and letting the wrong arrows of other peoples choices pierce through your heart in order to make the better choice rarely feels like it’s worth it until later.

I made a choice. I chose to do the right thing for the situation I was put in, but I also made a very active choice not to do the right thing for myself. I was tired of taking care of myself, and always looking at the bright side. I was tired of being nice to everyone else and receiving the shit end of the stick in return. I made an active choice to not go through the right process of grieving and pain and to let myself be bitter instead, because it felt better. All I knew that I wanted was temporary ease. I hadn’t felt like I had been able to be angry at God or people or circumstances previously because I always knew it wouldn’t be the right thing to do, and because I have always wanted to do the right thing for the longterm. This time, I was taking anger at full force. You fuck with me, you lose me and I didn’t care at all.

It’s amazing how fast anger can take hold of your thoughts, your lifestyle, your being. I felt pain at every turn. I saw words twist from helpful to detrimental in split seconds as they soar from one person’s mouth into my ears. I’ve never known myself to be as cruel as I felt or as careless as I was. I didn’t care about anyone else, and why would I? No one stood up for my character when I was being torn apart and for that I was angry. I didn’t want to care.

Anger puts this film over your eyes that causes every wonderful thing to look harmful. It changes every friend into a foe, and every light into fire. No one is safe.

If only I had chose to grieve, chose to deal with my anger, chose to silence my bitter thoughts. Had I, I wouldn’t have gotten to the point of contemplating death every moment of every day. I became defeated.

If you saw me, you would know. I could not stop the tears and I could not stop the pain; all I wanted was for it to end. I understand depression. I understand suicide. I understand pain.

There was a time I would have asked of a depressed friend to live, even only if it was for me. I now know I can never ask that of anybody. I cannot ask for someone to endure pain for my comfort, or live through terror for the “someday” that might come and be peaceful. I cannot ask for life of somebody else, I can only enter their space and give them everything I have to give. It’s crucial.

Depression is a hand, holding, crushing, dragging you into the depths of the earth, into the pit of despair, with no branches strong enough to break your fall and no comfort long enough to take a deep breath. Depression is a weight of a hundred horses treading on top of the canopy of blankets you try to hide under just to find a moment where your mind can be silent. Depression is… a venomous snake wrapped so tightly around your body you cannot breathe but with every pulse of your heartbeat you know it’s the end… Depression… is an ocean of breathtaking pain.

I see the world with that pain in my eyes, much in the same way I used to see it with beauty.

If you know how I feel then you know what I mean. Good things that happen don’t make up for what we see behind the wall we’re so desperately trying to build to keep the horde of pain and anger at bay. It’s terrifying to watch that wall being broken apart and running out of the strength to keep building. It’s almost as if you drop that wall and run as fast as you can to add distance before turning around and building again. It’s coming and you see it; you feel it… and then you make one mistake and it swarms around you from all sides; all you have left is a little tent to cry in.

If you know then you know. And if you don’t, now you do.

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4 responses

  1. Thank you for sharing yourself. Your words are deep and powerful. Keep moving through the pain, dear one. I’m in your corner.

    Like

    March 9, 2019 at 7:33 am

  2. When I stare long enough in one spot, my mind starts to betray me.
    Sad memories, depressing thoughts, never ending worries about things.
    When people asks me why I’m so depressed, my mind starts to expand inside my head. It can’t accept such reality, it is beyond understandable.
    I’m tired.
    They never understand me. They have no idea what it means. What it feels ir how it exists.
    They just positively complain.
    It doesn’t sounds to them what’s truth or how it can damage fragile vessel we carry inside.
    They just push it, in good intentions they presume.
    I spent 7 years in depression, every single memory about it reminds how feeble I am, how mindlessly I sacrificed time I didn’t own at all.
    You should’ve seen these looks, when they hear about my demise. Least I look like a human being in their eyes.
    I’ve been thru a lot. Lot. It doesn’t makes me any special or excuses me for being weak. One person said once – only strong survive.
    I do not consider myself strong. But I’m here even today. Even tomorrow. I’m moving towards this thorny future I drawn.
    What awaits me now? Nothing new. Positively nothing. I’ll play my role, I’ll put my mask, draw my emotions in pain colour and play solo. Solo so no one could criticise me, blame me, spill their dirt on me.
    Many time passed. I barely care.
    I can’t understand you completely, but I feel direction we walk along. I’ll be there no matter what, empty, clearly dark and soundless. But it’ll be me.
    Thank you for letting me feel part of you.
    Undying bird 🐦 is cursed observe forever.

    Like

    June 3, 2019 at 1:10 pm

    • makariasriel

      Your writing is wonderful. Thank you for sharing. We’re all in this together!

      Like

      June 5, 2019 at 9:51 am

      • Wonderful, it’s nice to hear but unusual. If you truly appreciate this you should know it was only thanks to you.

        Like

        June 5, 2019 at 12:37 pm

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