Leader: How do we create a culture of vulnerability?

Student: Well you just gotta be vulnerable to expect vulnerability, you know? Sometimes you just gotta grab it by the balls and–

Me: Uhm. That’s not true. 

Leader: What do you think, Makari?

Me: To create a culture of vulnerability, you can’t just be vulnerable, you have to be willing to accept the other person in their state. I can tell you all day how I feel but that doesn’t mean anything until someone else listens. You can’t just grab vulnerability by the balls. It’s not a culture of vulnerability when one person just talks about how they feel. There has to be a safe space to create vulnerability as a culture.

———–

Creating a culture of vulnerability around you isn’t about a few people “being open” about what they are going through. The receiving end is just as important as the giving end. If it isn’t received well, then the vulnerability gets “wasted” in a sense. One bad vulnerable experience can cause a person to never want to give themselves away like that again. If you can’t receive someone’s vulnerable state, I would suggest not letting the exchange even happen. When you want to ask someone how they are doing, but don’t expect an honest answer in return, do the other person a favor and don’t ask.

I’m someone that has no problem being real about the place that I’m in. Being real and being vulnerable are two different things. Vulnerability is where you open yourself up and are susceptible to emotional harm, whereas being real, or being transparent, allows you to be seen without the openness of being harmed.

Knowing which place you are in is important in knowing how to respond when people are talking to you.

When I am in a vulnerable state, I am very careful whom I let in or whom I talk with, because if I’m not, I can be hurt pretty easily. The last thing I want to do to myself when I am susceptible to pain, is to add more pain. I often don’t go out to parties or events, or hang out in groups, not because I don’t want to, but because I know that in my state, I am more likely to be hurt than helped.

People often confuse authenticity with vulnerability. Authenticity; being your genuine self, vs vulnerability; being raw, open and susceptible to pain. While vulnerability can be placed under authenticity, being authentic doesn’t necessarily mean being vulnerable.

When you are being your genuine self, that doesn’t mean you need to open yourself up to being susceptible to harm, but it generally does mean being transparent about who you are.

When we are in a state of vulnerability, people often commend us for being brave for talking about what we are going through, but what they don’t understand is that the way they treat us in our vulnerable state is really what changes us. Whether they commend us and then ignore us, or don’t react in a way they ought to, it’s the action of those we are vulnerable with that determines how we feel afterwards. Like I said earlier, one bad vulnerable experience can cause a person to never want to give themselves away like that again.

Sometimes, in a vulnerable state we are unfair to others because we put that pressure on them to do or say or be what we need them to be. It shouldn’t be on them if that isn’t what they want. Which is why creating a culture of vulnerability isn’t nearly as easy as it could be or maybe should be. There are always other factors in play that cause a culture of being raw to take 500 times the effort than we assume that it should.

It isn’t fair to others when we are in a vulnerable state to expect them to know that or be there for us. Which is where transparency comes in play. We need to get to a place that we can be transparent about our situation and the help we need, but not necessarily be vulnerable like we are, until it is the right space for us to do so. That’s hard. That takes dedication and allowing yourself to be open to people, but not open to pain at the same time. It requires people around you that you trust to help you in your vulnerability, so that you can be transparent in a group of people without getting hurt.

The responses are different. The way you explain how you are feeling to the people with your trust in vulnerability will be different internally for you than the responses you give to people who aren’t ready for it.

We can’t expect everybody to be ready to handle us in a vulnerable place when they were just grabbing a coffee and saw you sitting in the shop, or at the grocery store, or even at church, and decided to ask us how we are. We expect a lot of others, more than we should, when really it’s our responsibility to ourselves to give out our vulnerability to those who can take care of it.

It’s a precious gift to hold what is dear to someone else. Creating an entire culture with those who do that is a tremendous joy that is rarely found. I found it once, and I’m not sure I ever will again, but I do look for it and long for it on a daily basis. When you know something spectacular truly exists, it changes everything about the way you live your life.

Often times we end up taking more from the world than we give into it. Looking for things that make our own lives more comfortable but not adding anything of our own to making the world a better place. Giving all that we have to the people around us becomes a rarity. Hospitality is no longer what it used to be as more and more people only live for themselves these days. Becoming somebody who is known is looked at as becoming somebody awful, but that’s only because people have been living for themselves more than living to give to others. What will become of the world when there are no more decent people left? I’d like to never find out, and I’d like the generations after me to never find out.

There are good people in the world, they’ve just become harder to fine. That’s why you’ll find me here, wishing, waiting, wandering… Spending my time, energy and resources on things that will make the world around me a better place; a wonderful place; a world full of awe, of love and of peace. I will be here, taking in every moment that comes my way and treating it with honor and respect.

We don’t want to become people who take more than they give, and we don’t want to give more than we have. Search for things that make you come alive in order to keep on giving what you receive to others, that way they may then do the same. When you find someone who gives you what they have, sit with them and learn from them, and when it is time to leave, take with you that knowledge of kindness and give it away.

Kindness isn’t ever a thing we hold to ourselves; it is gifted so that it may be given. Kindness is a virtue of strength that gives the world around us a hope for better things.

Learn to give what you have in order to never take more than what is given to you. Go on a journey and love the world around you the whole way along. Find peace in every circumstance, and joy in every pain. One of the best things to do when you feel down is to help somebody else.

You cannot give up when you love deeply, and you cannot give in to hate when you fill your heart with kindness. Find your peace and comfort in loving others well, and that love will always return to you in the most astonishing ways.

Makari Asriel

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now; living a realistic lifestyle versus an unrealistic one. Some people find the 1st option very comforting; others find the 2nd to be life giving. For me, as a very “unrealistic” person, I find realism in living quite boring and honestly quite a bit more stressful. Not that I have any backup plan for my life, which alone can stress people out, but I do have an understanding that if everything completely fails me, I will just start back with new ideas and try again. I can start from scratch over and over, and I’m not afraid to do that because I’m not afraid of failing. It doesn’t work? Try again. I don’t only have one goal in life, I feel like a have hundreds. Mainly, in all my goals I just want to be happy, so I do what brings me happiness and joy. We don’t know how long we have in this world and I personally will be very disappointed if I die without doing all the things I set my heart on.

There is enough heartache in the world, and I refuse to be brought down by it. When I try to realistically plan something out, 1st off it doesn’t go as planned and 2nd, I become very negatively attached to the circumstance (i.e. that costs money, that takes time, what am I going to do when I get there, am I going to starve?). Whereas, when I decide in my unrealistic mind that I should do something, it more often than not becomes a very wonderful experience and I always figure it out. Like exploring the area that I end up in or asking around to find cute little local spots or walking into a place I’ve never been. The feeling that you get when you first experience something new is unlike any other feeling you will have. Learn how to savor that instead of walking around with a shade over your eyes.

Something I learned; look up. No matter where you are or how many times you’ve seen the area, look up. You can always find something new when your gaze goes upward, but your mind drifts internally when you look toward the ground.

I find it strange that people listen to my stories and comment, “that would ONLY ever happen to you,” when all I ever did was ask for things to happen. People often don’t ask for things they want. Know someone in another country? Why don’t you ask if you can go visit? Don’t have the money? Why don’t you ask if they will help pay for it? There isn’t harm in asking, the worst would be that they say no. If you have ingrained in yourself that asking is a sign of weakness, go ahead and break that mindset. Asking is a strength. As a Christian, asking God for things is one of the only ways we are going to start receiving without working our tail off to get it. He does give without asking because He knows what we need and wants to bless us, but when we ask for what we want to see happen, things start to shift. Words are some of the most powerful tools we have; we often do not have because we do not ask.

I ask for things ALL the time and most of those times the answers are no! Receiving no as an answer doesn’t offend me; there are so many factors that go into someone’s answer, who am I to be offended? I get to manage me and my emotions in all circumstances. Offense isn’t in my handbook for success, nor is negativity or hate. Positivity, kindness and generosity, however, are very key points in the virtual handbook of my life. Being considerate to all people and keeping an attitude of respect for my own life and the lives I encounter is how I choose to live my best life. Asking for things doesn’t take away from those life goals and it doesn’t make me weaker for asking, everyone has choices and a lot of people want to help.

Don’t be afraid to live your life more spontaneously. Break down the barrier you have that says asking for things isn’t okay. You don’t have to be totally in control of what happens in your life, you just need to manage you; your responses, emotions and lifestyle choices. You’ve got it all in you to have a wonderful life, all you need to do is access it within you.

Find the best parts of who you are and bring those to the forefront of your life. Look for the attractive qualities you see in others and find those within yourself, then keep searching until you become the person you want to be in life.

Makari Asriel